Friday, October 28, 2005

Kelpdick the Ugly Must Die!

I'd at least have put the moves on you, sugar. He must be gay. I mean, you be one hot foxxy mama, even if I promised to be good, how in the name of all that is Holy on God's green earth could I hold myself to that promise while being close enough to you to smell you? Damnation woman, I order you to stay away from this poor imposter (he's even worse than Shoelimpy) and to do penance at my altar.

On your knees!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Oral Sex

Yes, oral sex. I think we should talk more about oral sex, as it is not a nasty thing, when done between two people who love each other.

Oral sex can be used either in foreplay or as substitute for intercourse when you are short on time. Of course, at times oral sex is actually desired over intercourse and at those times much more attention should be paid to the receivee of the oral sex to ensure they receive 15 to 20 minutes of total selfish pleasure.

Let's not forget the famous *69*, in which both partners pleasure each other orally simultaneously. In this position I prefer be on top of my gf, as I can kind of trap her into swallowing. ;)

Women and Swallowing

For the life of me I do not understand the problem some women have with oral sex. With the swallowing of seminal fluid, to be precise. I mean, HELLO!!! Do you really think we men are not swallowing your fluids as you buck your hips and grab our hair? What do you think we are doing down there as you grind our faces into you? SHEESH! How would you like it if we stopped every time your goo got in our mouth and said *ewwww!! grosss!!* and ran to the bathroom to spit? You'd be on Oprah screaming and whining!

You all DO know that sperm is chock full of protein right? Atkins would agree with me! Skip the bun and bite the sausage ladies! And contrary to urban legend (mostly made up by me) sperm MUST be swallowed for the protein to be absorbed. The old sperm facial is just a lie....unless I feel like telling it, then it is the Gospel truth. ;)

But if you won't swallow, it has to go somewhere, that is just the truth, and I'm NOT coming into any kleenex just to make you happy. Oral sex is supposed to make ME happy and you saying don't come in my mouth come on the kleenex makes the ejaculation....nowhere near as fun as coming down your throat (or at least in your hair).

Hopefully this will help someone out there to realize that oral sex is a wonderful thing and that not swallowing is tantamount to a man just getting off you right after his orgasm. If you are offended by this post, it means you need to GET SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I am so impressed.....NOT!

Steerpikepie hates Shoelimpy. Shoelimpy claims he is better than Steerpikepie, but everyone knows that is an outright outrageous lie.

Steerpikepie has proof that Shoelimpy sucks. Steerpikepie was very happy to stumble across evidence of Shoelimpy's suckiness and would like to submit it to YOU the reader of Steerpikepie's amazing blog to be the judge.

This link leads to an article written by Shoelimpy the "supposedly" Great. It's about Bigfoot. Yep, Bigfoot. Steerpikepie has often thought that Shoelimpy resembles a Bigfoot but had no idea that Shoelimpy spent his days actively researching all the various Bigfoot academia (rofl) and finaly felt confident enough to go public with his avid Bigfoot love.

Steerpikepie is a nice guy. It saddens him to see this article and he feels moved with pity for Shoelimpy. However, Steerpikepie hates Shoelimpy and his calling is very specific.


Vote here on whether or not you think Shoelimpy the Bigfoot sucks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Why Shoelimpy Sucks

Shoelimpy is a worthless humour parasite who has no fucking balls and likes to act like a fucking tool.

AGGIES suck!

Shoelimpy steals my material and is STILL so fucking lame that it is unreal.

For a dude with a Dad in the military he is the biggest wuss EVER.

He is a great big fatass. And lazy to boot!

He has an odour of sweaty balls.

He reads porn mags in bed while eating candy and hides them in a little squirrel hole beside his bed. His gf found it and told me. It was a Hustler. Ewwwww!!! Even I get grossed out by Hustler.

He has no backbone and never will.

He is shoelimpy.

Da Kine

Ever see that Dog the Bounty Hunter show? It's horrible. There is this dude, Dog, who for the life of me looks like a wannabe wrestler, his pedophilific brother, a couple of his kids, and his comic book wife. His wife is like, ummmm, scary. She has a breast to hip ratio that defies gravity. And her hips are fat, yo.

So they run a bond company out of Waikiki. The premis of the show is that this dude is a real bad dog, and he is chasing down people who break their bond. But on the show all they do is chase petty criminals while talking tuff and then when they catch them Dog will cry and shit and bail them back out. WEAK. Dog is a weak ass bitch. He also left his son in jail to rot and refused to bond him out.

He also was arrested in Mexico and from what I can tell, jumped his bond and ran back to the States.

So this guy is a wuss, yeah. The show sucks. They promo it as if it doesn't.

So why do I watch it? He has the strangest wife on tv. This broad is not only scary and comic book like, but she actually seems to think she is attractive. She must think that, because she dresses like a lady 5 sizes smaller than she really is.

And every now and then she freaks out. They should just let her fight. Or they should make the jump to pro wrestling. Either way, the girl isn't right.

That is my review of Dog, the Bounty Hunter. It sucks, but it is funny to watch these people think they don't suck.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Cancuckistanian Thanksgiving

The Canucks are always making more reasons for we red-blooded Americans to hate them, aren't they? I mean, being a bunch of pothead communists who won't give us their water or let us fly missles in their airspace isn't enough, they have to go even farther to piss us off.

What did we ever do to the Canadians anyway? All we did was offer them the chance to enter the good life and become a part of us, which they idiotically rejected while they were freezing their fat Canadian asses off in their igloos pretending that they liked living in a frozen wasteland. And that was before they even had hockey games to get drunk at and start fights during!

But now it seems that the Canucks want to steal one of our most proud of holidays: Thanksgiving. I don't remember no Pilgrims landing in Halifax and eating three day feasts with the Indians, but they think they have the right to celebrate our holiday? And not only that, it comes a month earlier than the One True Thanksgiving, so that the world thinks that Canada's Thanksgiving comes first!

These Canadians are really pushing the envelope. Their only defense is that they are so worthless that their country isn't even worth invading, as long as their imbecile government keeps giving us all the natural resources we want at low low prices (Thank you, NAFTA). But what Americans want to live in that God-forsaken hellhole? I can't think of too many people in Florida that want to move to fucking Winnipeg. Maybe an Alaskan couldn't tell the difference, but they are insane to begin with.

Canada, fuck you. Stop trying to steal our holidays, why don't you come up with your own? I mean, I know you don't have the creativity of a pumpkin (who else but a nation of drunken dullards would name a holiday Civic Holiday?) But couldn't you have, like, Hockey Appreciation Day or something? National Beer Day? (Or is that every day in Canada?) National let's all get drunk and smoke pot and let all the men get married because we love tolerance and are a bunch of Communists with free health care Day? You must have something in your culture you can be proud of so you don't have to keep ripping off your betters. I mean, really.

Happy Columbus Day to all.